Waiting Game Over...

...with a BFN again. AF showed her bloody face yesterday (tehe). I'm so dejected, I think I'm done trying for a while. My plans are pretty ruined anyway.

I know, I know. "Man plans, God laughs."

There was a reason that I wanted to have my first child by 25. I never want to be an old mother, I want to be able to be there for my child when I'm older, especially knowing what it feels like to have parents who are not young. I know that people are now having kids when they're 30, and even older! But that just is not for me.

Don't get me wrong, my parents are not very old. And they always provided for me, loved me, cared for me, had fun with me. But at this point I'm 24 and I'm seeing them not able to do as much as they did and I don't want to be like that with my children when they are my age. Maybe I'm crazy, I don't know anymore...

Maybe sometime this year something will give. But at this point, most or all of my hope is gone.

Waiting...

So AF was supposed to show her ugly face on Sunday while Ian and I were downstate...she never came.

Monday morning came, our friend broke her water and we left (we were supposed to anyway) in a bit of a hurry. Throughout the almost six hour drive, Ian had me check myself repeatedly. Monday came and went with no sign of AF.

Our friend had her beautiful baby girl at 2:10 AM Tuesday morning. Such a gorgeous little lady! So proud to be her Godmother. I went home an hour after she gave birth and passed out.

Up I woke at noon on Tuesday after having a dream that AF came. I checked - nothing. Walked to the hospital and had lunch with Ian and our friends mother-in-law. Got to hold the precious baby and change her diaper! (Glad to find that I haven't forgotten how to do it, although the last time I changed a newborns diaper was in the third semester of Nursing school!) She is such a blessing! I checked through the day again; nothing. At all.

I've been constipated (which is usually the opposite when I'm about to get AF), my breasts are sore, my cervix is high, soft, and have leukorrhea. I'm not going to put all my eggs in one basket just yet, especially since I took a test on Saturday, Monday, and Tuesday and they all showed BFN. I've been told that I should wait since the hcG levels might not be high enough to detect just yet...so now we play the waiting game!!

Tough Times

Well...unfortunately this is not a very happy post. In fact, I sit in my old bed right now, my husband next to me...as I write it. 

On February 25, 2014, I lost my grandmother. The dearest and sweetest lady anyone could ever imagine. She was always so classy and so loving. But she was also tough and rugged when necessary. I miss her so much and I cannot believe that she is really gone.

My mom left for Hungary a few days after the news...and she just got home on the 10th of March. Everything was done - the funeral, the cleaning of the apartment, the will was laid out (although nothing will be truly my mom's and uncle's for another six months). A whole security system was placed in my grandmothers apartment and they are going to pay the minimal expenses to keep the apartment relatively livable for now. Who knows what will happen later? 

This occurrence has really shaken my faith and I am hoping that my grandmother really is with my grandfather, her parents, siblings, in laws, etc. I pray that she is happy, healthy, beautiful again. She deserves all of it.

I'm torn up inside and I can't express everything I want to, but I'm trying to understand why these things have to happen. 

Maybe we never find out.

Maybe we find out later.

Goodness only knows.

Nursing

I recently posted a "rant" on my Facebook status that went like this:

I'm not even out of work tonight and I don't want to go to work tomorrow. Bad sign. Really though. 

Oh, and whatever happened to patients respecting their nurses? Seriously, they have no idea what we do. 

Maybe we have 6 patients: some of whom might be total cares, need to use the bathroom every 10 minutes and we have to supervise them, one who is incontinent regularly and we need to clean him/her up, a comfort care patient, someone who just found out they have cancer, etc etc.

Then there is the patient that wants everything done RIGHT NOW. Who doesn't get the fact that we have high acuity patients who LITERALLY cannot do a thing for themselves. Who doesn't understand that we are on our feet for 12 hours with no lunch and minimal help on most days, with doctors and physician assistants on our butts about everything while we need to make sure every detail is cared for - and God help us if we forget something!
So respect for nurses needs to come back in a BIG way. Because no one wants to work a job where abuse and harassment are the norm. That's fact.

That was on February 20th.

Since then, I've been thinking about the patient's who have been absolutely lovely.

So far I've had: former nurses, current nurses, PA's, carpenters, farmers, Amish, young, old, deaf, blind, severely disabled, MR, paraplegic, quadriplegic, bed-bound, active, happy, angry, somber, hip replacements, knee replacements, spinal surgeries, pneumonia, C. diff positive, MRSA, CAPD, heart issues, actively dying, cancer, etc etc.

All of these people, while I can't remember all their names, I can remember the way they treated me. Most were incredibly grateful and happy, others - well, others treated me like I was an uneducated servant, there to fetch drinks and food for them whenever they pleased.

What is the point of this? The point is that I did not become a nurse and go through four years of higher education and spent over $20K of my parents' hard-earned money in order to be treated like a servant.

Yes, I am a nurse whose service is to help people - but it is NOT my job to be called in every 5 minutes by a family member to "fluff mom's pillow" or "open an apple juice."

I am a nurse who is there to save your life if things were to get critical, I am a nurse who is there to comfort you in difficult times, I am a nurse who is there to give you medication that is supposed to help you feel and get better so you can go home, I am a nurse who is there to encourage you when you feel hopeless, I am a nurse who is there to make you comfortable after a surgery, a major illness, or in your final days.

Don't get me wrong. I change linens, I bring people coffee, tea, juice, ice cream, Popsicles, water, food; I take people to the bathroom and clean them up - I do all of these things regularly. I do it with kindness and happiness and have no problem with this.

My problem is when I am yelled at for bringing the wrong beverage, or when I am not in a room within 5 seconds of the call light going off because I am in another patient's room, or when a family member speaks to me as if I weren't a human being, or when I am verbally abused by some young patient who is miserable with his or her own life and will take it out on the nurses that are trying to help him or her.

That is the issue.

I think respect needs to be restored in our profession. We should not have to put on a stiff upper lip and tolerate abusers and users. There should be advocates for our safety and our emotional well-being. Until then, we will constantly be barraged with patient's and family members who believe they are superior to us and can treat us however they wish.

On a happier note though, patient's like this are very special and make us as nurses feel good about what we do:

My offer to help take the blood pressure of the pain in the butts still stands! Just remember we have a major artery in our necks! Just remember that I was a patient for the better part of a year and it was nurses like YOU who made me feel better. Even when you were having a crappy day (due to above reasons) you walked into my room with a smile on your face. Good nurses like you are few and far in between!!!! Just remember when you are having a bad day, YOU made a profound impact on my life. You have a great gift, so if you need to transfer departments then do that but please don't deprive people of your wonderful skills. And I know you don't always see it but there are others like me who NEED people like you and do appreciate everything that you do for them.

(Name not shown due to HIPAA).

Thanks for listening, or rather, reading.