Waiting Game Over...

...with a BFN again. AF showed her bloody face yesterday (tehe). I'm so dejected, I think I'm done trying for a while. My plans are pretty ruined anyway.

I know, I know. "Man plans, God laughs."

There was a reason that I wanted to have my first child by 25. I never want to be an old mother, I want to be able to be there for my child when I'm older, especially knowing what it feels like to have parents who are not young. I know that people are now having kids when they're 30, and even older! But that just is not for me.

Don't get me wrong, my parents are not very old. And they always provided for me, loved me, cared for me, had fun with me. But at this point I'm 24 and I'm seeing them not able to do as much as they did and I don't want to be like that with my children when they are my age. Maybe I'm crazy, I don't know anymore...

Maybe sometime this year something will give. But at this point, most or all of my hope is gone.

Waiting...

So AF was supposed to show her ugly face on Sunday while Ian and I were downstate...she never came.

Monday morning came, our friend broke her water and we left (we were supposed to anyway) in a bit of a hurry. Throughout the almost six hour drive, Ian had me check myself repeatedly. Monday came and went with no sign of AF.

Our friend had her beautiful baby girl at 2:10 AM Tuesday morning. Such a gorgeous little lady! So proud to be her Godmother. I went home an hour after she gave birth and passed out.

Up I woke at noon on Tuesday after having a dream that AF came. I checked - nothing. Walked to the hospital and had lunch with Ian and our friends mother-in-law. Got to hold the precious baby and change her diaper! (Glad to find that I haven't forgotten how to do it, although the last time I changed a newborns diaper was in the third semester of Nursing school!) She is such a blessing! I checked through the day again; nothing. At all.

I've been constipated (which is usually the opposite when I'm about to get AF), my breasts are sore, my cervix is high, soft, and have leukorrhea. I'm not going to put all my eggs in one basket just yet, especially since I took a test on Saturday, Monday, and Tuesday and they all showed BFN. I've been told that I should wait since the hcG levels might not be high enough to detect just yet...so now we play the waiting game!!